I am thankful to be ALIVE!

September 8th I went to the doctor for my first prenatal check up. My doctor “plugged” me into the ultrasound where he could find NO heartbeat. I was over 9 weeks pregnant or so I thought, but the baby only measured 6 weeks 2 days. My heart sunk to the floor. After a whole lot of (I do mean a whole lot) of blah blah blah mumbo jumbo from my doctor; either I ovulated way later than I thought or my little bundle of joy was no longer alive.

How horrible, how painful, but I was holding on to every shred of hope. That same day I took a blood test to measure my hCG’s. I got a call Thursday that my blood levels were at 8000 which would be right with the measurement the ultrasound gave me. I was told to take the test again on Friday, the next day.

Friday I took the test first thing in the morning. That night we went to my son’s football game.

We got home, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. An hour later I began to bleed. I was so upset, but tried to be as strong as I could, like always. Told my hubby and let him know that we should be ready to go to the ER. With my last miscarriage, I bleed heavily, but it was uneventful. At my hubby’s request I called his sister to come stay with us.

That night was sad, but nothing happened. The next day, Sunday we tried to go on like normal. We watched football and tried not to think about what was going on. I stood up to tend to the baby and my worst fear had begun. I put down the baby and ran to the bathroom. I thought ok, this is manageable, its bad but it is manageable. I proceeded to take a shower, get out, get dressed, stand up after putting on my socks and the most amount of blood I have ever seen in my life began to fall through my clothes to the floor.

By this point, I think I probably was losing my mind. I was trying to clean the mess on the floor, but I kept make more messes. I asked my hubby to run to the store to get the baby milk. While he is at the store, I jump in the shower again. When I got out of the shower, I proceeded to dump blood every where again.

Ok, I know, I need to get to the ER. I am just trying to do it as neatly as possible. My hubby packed me a bag, he had his head on, just trying to keep mine on. I asked him to put a garbage bag on the seat in the car and a big towel. I get dressed and go straight from the bathroom to the car. No bye byes for the kids, I didn’t want me to see me that way. I was already dizzy and seeing stars.

We get to the ER, my hubby runs in and grabs a wheel chair. I stand up to get from the car to the chair and a bunch more blood rushes out. I started to cry. I am scared and embarrassed that I am making a mess. My hubby was like “its alright honey, they are used to this kind of stuff, just sit in the chair!” He said so in the nicest yet concerned way.

The EMT takes me “straight back” to a room where again I proceed to make another bloody mess. This was my 3rd set of ruined clothes and I ruined my brand new sandals.

In hindsight, I was wondering why I was so worried about making a mess. I should have been worried about the fact that I was losing SO much blood and losing conscientiousness. But NO, now I am worried about the bed, sheets and towels I was ruining.

At this point I was breathing heavy (felt like I wasn’t getting any air), getting super nauseous and everything was going gray. My nurse lays be flat (seemed like I was upside down) puts in 2 ivy’s and starts fluids. The whole time my hubby was watching my monitor. My heart rate was down to 70/40. Hmmm no wonder I am passing out. I just kept thinking, I don’t want to die.

My nurse was so awesome. She kept explaining everything that was going on. The doctor was doing his business down in my business. Once he was done, the biggest thing was to get my heart rate back up. The bleeding had slowed, but I couldn’t stop passing out. I hated the out of control feeling.

8 hours later & 3 bags of fluid later I was able to sit up. So they sent me home. It took 4 whole days after that to be able to stand without losing my breath. My hubby stayed home with me that whole week. He was so great! Thank you honey, you are my rock… and Thank you to my sis-n-law for staying with the babies.

This week I have been on my own and physically I am doing great. It is my heart that needs to mend. I have always wanted a house full of kids, to raise and to watch grow. But the odds of me having yet another miscarriage are 30-50%. I can’t imaging ever going through that again. It was horrible. Every time I close my eyes I see red.

I know I already have 4 kids, and I am thankful. But it doesn’t mean I love the next one any less or look forward to the her any less. I was daydreaming about what she would look like, what her behaviors and tendencies would be. Now I am left with what I have lost. What WE lost. I have to remember my hubby lost her too.

It seems like lately I am surround by cute little pregnant ladies. No Seriously, they are every where.

Now I am just trying to focus and get healthy for the babies I do have. The babies I almost lost, the babies that almost lost me.

I am thankful to be alive, I am thankful for my family and I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful the good Lord help me stay alive.